Anyone interested in Sanmao, the Taiwanese writer? I do wonder.

PLEASE NOTE: I KNOW WHOEVER WOULD READ THIS MUST BE INTERESTED IN SANMAO, THE FANTANTIC WRITER, I AM TRANSLATING THIS AS MY GRADUATION PROJECT AND THIS IS ONLY A SMALL PART OF IT. ANYONE WOULD IS INTERSTED IN SANMAO CAN CONTACT ME THROUGH 1060250835@qq.com. THANKS!

沙漠中的饭店

Chinese Restaurant in the Desert

 我的先生很可惜是一个外国人。这样来称呼自己的先生不免有排外的味道，但是因为语文和风俗在各国之间确有大不相同之处，我们的婚姻生活也实在有许多无法共通的地方。

It’s rather a pity that my husband is a foreigner. A careful soul might detect a tinge of strangeness in the way of me talking about my husband. The truth is, given the tremendous difference between our separate languages and cultures, our married life did have many communication barriers.    

 当初决定下嫁给荷西时，我明白地告诉他，我们不但国籍不同，个性也不相同，将来婚 后可能会吵架甚至于打架。他回答我：“我知道你性情不好，心地却是很好的，吵架打架都可能发生，不过我们还是要结婚。”于是我们认识七年之后终于结婚了。

Back when I decided to bestow my hand in marriage upon Hexi, I told him explicitly that we might quarrel and even fight after getting married because of our different nationalities and personalities. Hexi said, “Although bad-tempered, you have quite a good heart. If quarrels and fights are to happen, be that as it may. I will marry you anyway.” So we got married after we first met seven years ago. 

我不是妇女解放运动的支持者，但是我极不愿在婚后失去独立的人格和内心的自由自在化，所以我一再强调，婚后我还是“我行我素”，要不然不结婚。荷西当时对我说：“我就是要你‘你行你素’，失去了你的个性和作风，我何必娶你呢！“好，大丈夫的论调，我十分安慰。做荷西的太太，语文将就他。可怜的外国人，“人”和“入”这两个字教了他那么多遍，他还是分不清，我只有讲他的话，这件事总算放他一马了。（但是将来孩子来了，打死也要学中文，这点他相当赞成。）

Although I am not a supporter of woman’s right movement, I would never want to lose my independence and liberty after getting married. Therefore, I reiterated that I would keep doing things my way after we got married, or that the marriage would be out of the question. Hexi then said to me, “All I want for you is to be you. Why would I go through all the trouble of marrying you only to have you lose yourself?” Bravo, speaking like a man of spirit. I was more than relieved. Being Hexi’s wife, I had to make concessions when it came to language. Poor foreigner! He simply couldn’t recognize the disparity between the two Chinese characters “人(ren)” and “入(ru)”, though I had taught him many times. I had to speak his language and let it go at that. However, our children, if we were to have any, by all means, should learn Chinese, which he totally agreed on. 

闲话不说，做家庭主妇，第一便是下厨房。我一向对做家事十分痛恨，但对煮菜却是十分有兴趣，几只洋葱，几片肉，一炒变出一个菜来，我很欣赏这种艺术。

　　Enough with the chatter. For a housewife, cooking always comes first. Though I always hate housework, I am quite interested in cooking. It feels almost magical to make a dish out of several pieces of onions and slices of meat. I highly appreciate that kind of art. 

　　母亲在台湾，知道我婚姻后因为荷西工作的关系，要到大荒漠地区的非洲去，十二分地心痛，但是因为钱是荷西赚，我只有跟了饭票走，毫无选择的余地。婚后开厨不久，我们吃的全部是西菜。后来家中航空包裹飞来接济，我收到大批粉丝、紫菜、冬菇、生力面、猪肉干等珍贵食品，我乐得爱不释手，加上欧洲女友寄来罐头酱油，我的家庭“中国饭店”马上开张，可惜食客只有一个不付钱的。（后来上门来要吃的朋友可是排长龙啊！）

    When my mother who lived in Taiwan learned that I was moving to a vast desert area in Africa after getting married because of Hexi’s job, she was overwhelmed. Still, I had no choice but to follow my husband since he was the sole financial provider in the family. Soon after we got married, I started cooking and all we ate were western dishes at the beginning. Later, my parents came to my rescue by sending me by air large parcels of food materials such as bean vermicelli, nori, dried mushrooms, instant ramen, dried pork slices, which thrilled me so much that I could hardly take my hands off them. Plus the canned soybean sauce sent by my European girl friend, my home “Chinese Restaurant” was ready to open. Unfortunately, the “Restaurant” only served one customer who never paid. (Some time later, however, people who flocked to our door for food formed a really long line.)

　　其实母亲寄来的东西，要开“中国饭店”实在是不够，好在荷西没有去过台湾，他看看我这个“大厨”神气活现，对我也生起信心来了。 

As a matter of fact, the stock of food materials my mother sent me could barely permit the opening of my “Chinese Restaurant”. Yet at the sight of me cooking with the air of a top chef, Hexi who had never been to Taiwan and eaten at a real Chinese restaurant—lucky for me— grew confidence in me. 

第一道菜是“粉丝煮鸡汤”。荷西下班回来总是大叫：“快开饭啊，要饿死啦！”白白被他爱了那么多年，回来只知道叫开饭，对太太却是正眼也不瞧一下，我这“黄脸婆”倒是做得放心。

    The first dish I cooked was “chicken soup stewed with bean vermicelli”. Every time Hexi came back from work, he would cry out, “Dinner! Where is my dinner? I am starving here!” His love for me for so many years granted me nothing but a cry for dinner after his returning home, not even a glance, which, however, never undermined my ease at being the “worn-out drudge”. 

　　话说第一道菜是粉丝煮鸡汤，他喝了一口问我: “咦，什么东西？中国细面吗？”

Now, about that first dish “chicken soup stewed with bean vermicelli”. Hexi took a sip and then asked, “Eh, what’s this? Chinese spaghetti?” 

  “你岳母万里迢迢替你寄细面来？不是的。”

   “Like your mother-in-law would send you spaghetti from thousands of miles away. Of course not.” 

   “是什么嘛？再给一点，很好吃。”

　 “What are they then? Some more, please! They are really delicious.”

我用筷子挑起一根粉丝：“这个啊，叫做‘雨’。”

    I picked up a strand of bean vermicelli with chopsticks and said, “These, um, are called ‘rain.’” 

   “雨？”他一呆。

　  “Rain?” He was stupefied for a moment. 

　　我说过，我是婚姻自由自在化，说话自然心血来潮随我高兴，

    As I have said, my marriage was very carefree. Therefore, I would simply let my whims take me and say whatever pleases me. 

   “这个啊，是春天下的第一场雨，下在高山上，被一根一根冻住了，山胞扎好了背到山下来一束一束卖了换米酒喝，不容易买到哦！”　  

“These, um, are the first rain of spring and get frozen into strands of thin columns upon falling on high mountains. Some mountain people will bind them into bundles, then carry them down the mountain and sell them for rice wine. And, um, oh, they are unlikely to be found in the market!”

　　荷西还是呆呆地、研究性地看看我，又去看看盆内的“雨”，然后说：“你当我是白痴？”

    Hexi, still dumbfounded, first studying my face, then the “rain” in the pot, said, “Am I a fool?” 

　　我不置可否。“你还要不要？”

　　Without a single remark about it, I said, “Want some more?” 

　　回答我：“吹牛大王，我还要。”

　  “Sure I do, you braggart!” He answered.

　  以后他常吃“春雨”，到现在不知道是什么东西做的。有时想想荷西很笨，所以心里有点悲伤。

Later on, he got to eat “spring rain” a lot without knowing what they exactly were. Sometimes when I think about him and his silliness, I feel somehow sad.

第二次吃粉丝是做“蚂蚁上树”，将粉丝在平底锅内一炸，再洒上绞碎的肉和汁。荷西下班回来一向是饿的，咬了一大口粉丝，“什么东西？好像是白色的毛线，又好像是塑胶的？”“都不是，是你钓鱼的那种尼龙线，中国人加工变成白白软软的了。”我回答他。他又吃了一口，莞尔一笑，口里说道：“怪名堂真多，如果我们真开饭店，这个菜可卖个好价钱 ，乖乖。”那天他吃了好多尼龙加工白线。

The second time we ate bean vermicelli was when I cooked “Ants Climbing Up the Tree”. It’s the soaked bean vermicelli fried in a pan with ground meat and gravy. After Hexi came back home from work, hungry as always, he took a big bite of the vermicelli , then asking, “What are these? Seem to be white woolen yarn and also look like plastic?” “Neither of these”, I said, “They are nylon wires, the kind that you used for fishing. They just become white and soft after a little processing by Chinese people.” He took another bite and gave me a soft smile, “Quite some tricks there! If we are to open a restaurant, this dish could fetch a good price. How nice!” He ate a lot of these white processed nylon wires on that day. 

第三次吃粉丝，是夹在东北人的"合子饼"内与菠菜和肉绞得很碎当饼馅。他说：“这个小饼里面你放了沙鱼的翅膀对不对？我听说这种东西很贵，难怪你只放了一点点。”我笑得躺在地上。“以后这只很贵的鱼翅膀，请妈妈不要买了，我要去信谢谢妈妈。”我大乐，回答他：“快去写，我来译信，哈哈！”

The third time was when I made “He Zi Bing”, a kind of flat cake with stuffing common in Northeast China. I ground vermicelli together with meat and spinach and served them as the stuffing. He said then, “You must have put shark fin in this little cake, haven’t you? I heard it’s really expensive. No wonder you only used a tiny bit.” Hearing this, I couldn’t help rolling on the floor laughing while he continued, “Don’t let mom buy this expensive fin anymore, and I want to write her a thank-you letter.” It amused me even more and I said, “Then go, and hurry up! I will do the translation, aha!”     

有一天他快下班了，我趁他忘了看猪肉干，赶快将藏好的猪肉干用剪刀剪成小小的方块 ，放在瓶子里，然后藏在毯子里面。恰好那天他鼻子不通，睡觉时要用毛毯，我一时里忘了我的宝贝，自在一旁看那第一千遍《水浒传》。他躺在床上，手里拿个瓶子，左看右看，我一抬头，哇，不得了，“所罗门王宝藏”被他发现了，赶快去抢，口里叫着：

One day, when it was almost time for Hexi to get off from work, I quickly cut the dried pork slices that he used to check on now and then into small cubes, then put them into a bottle and hid it inside a blanket. However, Hexi happened to catch a cold on that day and needed the blanket for sleeping. While I was enjoying the book Outlaws of the Marsh for the thousandth time, I totally let those treasures slip out of my mind. And when I looked up, Hexi, lying in the bed, was holding that bottle with his hands and curiously observing it from left to right and then right to left. Good heavens! King Solomon’s treasures were found! I went after him in no time scrambling for the bottle, shouting, 

“这不是你吃的，是药，是中药。”

“These aren’t for you. They are medicine. Traditional Chinese medicine!” 

“我鼻子不通，正好吃中药。”他早塞了一大把放在口中，我气极了 ，又不能叫他吐出来，只好不响了。

“Traditional Chinese medicine is just what I need for my stuffy nose!” He had stuffed a handful of meat cubes in his mouth before I could even stop him. I was irritated, but what could I do except sulking? Asking him to spit them out? 

“怪甜的，是什么？”

 “Quite sweet, what are they?” 

我没好气地回答他：“喉片，给咳嗽的人顺喉头的。”

“Throat lozenges. They are used to clear the throat of coughing people!” I replied peevishly.

“肉做的喉片？我是白痴啊？”

 “Throat lozenges made out of meat? What am I? A big fool?” 

第二天醒来，发觉他偷了大半瓶去送同事们吃，从那天起，只要是他同事，看见我都假装咳嗽，想再骗猪肉干吃。 

The next morning when I woke up, I found more than half the bottle empty. Hexi had stolen those dried pork cubes and shared them with his colleagues. From that day on, Hexi’s colleagues would all pretend to cough when they saw me, trying to trick me out of more dried pork cubes. 

反正夫妇生活总是在吃饭，其他时间便是去忙着赚吃饭的钱，实在没多大意思。有天我 做了饭卷，就是日本人的“寿司”，用紫菜包饭，里面放些维他肉松。

Anyway, married life was always centered on food or earning money for food, which was not so much fun in nature. One day, I made rice rolls—Japanese “sushi” as you might call them—with a little pro-v “rousong” wrapped inside with nori. 

荷西这一下拒吃了。“什么，你居然给我吃印蓝纸、复写纸？”

Hexi refused to eat this time, “Gee, now you are giving me blueing paper, or carbon paper?”

我慢慢问他，“你真不吃？”

“You sure you don’t want them?” I asked him slowly. 

“不吃，不吃。”

“No! No!” 

好，我大乐，吃了一大堆饭卷。

Aha! I was tickled and gobbled down several rice rolls. 

“张开口来我看!”他命令我。

“Open your mouth and let me see your tongue!” He said in a commanding tone. 

“你看，没有蓝色，我是用反面复写纸卷的，不会染到口里去。”反正平日说的是唬人的话，所以常常胡说八道。

“You see, it’s not blue. I wrapped the rice with the back side of the carbon paper, so it won’t dye my mouth.” I was so used to bluffing that I talked through my hat again.

“你是吹牛大王，虚虚实实，我真恨你，从实招来，是什么嘛？”

“You are a braggadocio for real. How I hate you! Fiction or fact, just tell me, what are they?”

“你对中国完全不认识，我对我的先生相当失望。”我回答他，又吃一个饭卷。

 “I am really disappointed at my husband who knows nothing about China.” I said while swallowing another rice roll down the throat.

他生气了，用筷子一夹夹了一个，面部大有壮士一去不复返的悲壮表情，咬了半天，吞下去。“是了，是海苔。”

Getting ruffled, he picked up one rice roll with chopsticks with tragic valiancy growing on his face, and started chewing on it over and over again and finally swallowed it down, “Yeah, it’s nori.” 

我跳起来，大叫：“对了，对了，真聪明！”又要跳，头上吃了他一记老大爆栗。

I sprung up jubilantly whooping, “Yipee! That’s right! Smart boy!” I was about to jump again for joy when Hexi gave me a “thunderbolt strike” on the head. 

中国东西快吃完了，我的“中国饭店”也舍不得出菜了，西菜又开始上桌。荷西下班来 ，看见我居然在做牛排，很意外，又高兴，大叫：“要半生的。马铃薯也炸了吗？”连给他吃了三天牛排，他却好似没有胃口，切一块就不吃了。

As Chinese food materials was running out soon, I had to stint on the remainder of them and make less Chinese dishes. Therefore, western dishes reappeared on the dinner table. When Jose who came back home from work saw me cooking beef steaks, surprised and excited, he cried out, “Medium rare, please. Oh, has the potato been fried yet?” However, after eating beef steaks for three consecutive days, he seemed to be losing appetite, for he only ate one piece of beef steak he had cut and then stopped. 

“是不是工作太累了？要不要去睡一下再起来吃？”“黄脸婆”有时也温柔。 

 “Tired out by work? How about getting some sleep first and we can eat later?” The “worn-out drudge” could be tender sometimes. 

“不是生病，是吃得不好。”

 “I am not ill. It’s the food.” 

我一听呼一下跳起来。“吃得不好？吃得不好？你知道牛排多少钱一斤？” 

Hearing this, I jumped to my feet, “The food? The food? Do you even know how much half a kilo of beef steaks cost?” 

“不是的，太太，想吃‘雨’，还是岳母寄来的菜好。”

 “Not that, dear, I just miss the ‘rain’, the food sent by my mother- in-law. They are more delicious.” 

“好啦，中国饭店一星期开张两次，如何？你要多久下一次‘雨’？”

 “Well, I could open the Chinese Restaurant twice a week. How about that? How often do you want it to ‘rain’?”    

　　有一天荷西回来对我说：“了不得，今天大老板叫我去。”“加你薪水？”我眼睛一亮.“不是”我一把抓住他，指甲掐到他肉里去。“不是？完了，你给开除了？天啊，我们——”“别抓我嘛，神经兮兮的，你听我讲，大老板说，我们公司谁都被请过到我家吃饭 ，就是他们夫妇不请，他在等你请他吃中国菜——”“大老板要我做菜？不干不干，不请他，请同事工友我都乐意，请上司吃饭未免太没骨气，我这个人啊，还谈些气节，你知道，我——”我正要大大宣扬中国人的所谓骨气，又讲不明白，再一接触到荷西的面部表情，这个骨气只好哽在喉咙里啦！ 

One day, Jose came back home and told me, “Holy god, my big boss had a word with me today.” “Offering you a raise?” My eyes lit up. “No.” “No? Oh god, you got fired? Dear Lord, we...” I clutched at him with fingernails sinking into his arm, “Don’t pinch me. Look at you getting all nervous. Listen, big boss said that all my colleagues have been invited to our home for dinner except him and his wife, and that he was waiting for you to invite him over for Chinese food.” “Big boss wants me to cook for him? No! No! I won’t invite him. It’s been a great pleasure for me to welcome your other colleagues and workmates home. But inviting the boss home for dinner is simply spineless. Me, a woman of character, you know, I...” I was about to preach more of Chinese backbone which actually I couldn’t explain when I noticed Jose’s facial expression, so I simply swallowed this backbone down to the throat.   

第二日他问我：“喂，我们有没有笋？”

The next day, Hexi asked me, “Hey, do we have any bamboo shoots?”

“家里筷子那么多，不都是笋吗？”

“All those chopsticks we have, aren’t they bamboo shoots?”

他白了我一眼。“大老板说要吃笋片炒冬菇。”

 He rolled his eyes at me and said, “Big boss wants to eat bamboo shoots stir-fried with dried mushroom.” 

乖乖，真是见过世面的老板，不要小看外国人。

Gee, this boss must be a man of the world! Should never underestimate foreigners. 

“好，明天晚上请他们夫妇来吃饭，没问题，笋会长出来的。”

“Okay, invite him and his wife over tomorrow night. It’s no big deal. The bamboo shoots will grow out by then.”

荷西含情脉脉地望了我一眼，婚后,他第一次如情人一样地望着我，使我受宠若惊，不巧那天辫子飞散，状如女鬼。

 Hexi looked at me, full of tenderness. It’s the first time since we were married that he looked at me like a lover, which made me feel startlingly flattered. It’s a shame, however, that my hair went loose that day and I looked like a ghost that day. 

　　第二天晚上，我先做好三道菜，用文火热着，布置了有蜡炬的桌子，桌上铺了白色的桌布，又加了一块红的铺成斜角，十分美丽。这一顿饭吃得宾主尽欢，不但菜是色香味俱全， 我这个太太也打扮得十分干净，居然还穿了长裙子。饭后老板夫妇上车时特别对我说：“如果公共关系室将来有缺，希望你也来参加工作，做公司的一分子。”我眼睛一亮。这全是“笋片炒冬菇”的功劳。 

　 On the following evening, I made three dishes at first and left them simmered on the stove. Then I laid on the table a white napery which was graced with a red one on the top, and placed some candles on it in the end. Everything looked exquisite. All the diners enjoyed the dinner brimmed with colors, aroma and taste, and I, Mrs. Quero, even dressed up in a long gown. After dinner, before they went into the car and left, the couple said to me in an exhortative manner, “If there ever were a job vacancy in our public relations department, you should come and be part of it.” My eyes were lit up and credits all went to my “bamboo shoots stir-fried with dried mushroom”.  

　　送走老板，夜已深了，我赶快脱下长裙，换上牛仔裤，头发用橡皮筋一绑，大力洗碗洗盆，重做灰姑娘状使我身心自由。

It was late after we saw them off. I quickly took off my gown, put on my jeans, bound my hair with a rubber band, and vigorously started washing the dishes. I felt at ease being Cinderella again. 

荷西十分满意，在我背后问：“喂，这个‘笋片炒冬菇’真好吃，你哪里弄来的笋？”

Very much satisfied, Je asked me from behind my back, “Hey, those bamboo shoots stir-fried with dried mushroom tasted great! Where did you get these bamboo shoots?”

我一面洗碗，一面问他：“什么笋？”

“What bamboo shoots?” I said while washing the dishes.

“今天晚上做的笋片啊！”

“Those you cooked tonight!”

我哈哈大笑：“哦，你是说小黄瓜炒冬菇吗？”

“Oh, you mean those baby cucumbers stir-fried with dried mushrooms?” I burst into laughter. 

“什么，你，你，你骗了我不算，还敢去骗老板……”

“What? You...you lied to me! Alas, never mind. But come on, not my boss...”

    “我没有骗他，这是他一生吃得最好的一次‘嫩笋片炒冬菇’，是他自己说的。”

“I didn’t lie to him. It’s he who said that was the best ‘tender bamboo shoots stir-fried with dried mushroom’ he had ever had.”

　　荷西将我一把抱起来，肥皂水洒了他一头一胡子，口里大叫：“万岁，万岁，你是那只猴子，那只七十二变的，叫什么，什么……”我拍了一下他的头：“齐天大圣孙悟空。这次不要忘记了。”

Hexi scooped me over, soap-suds sprinkling all over his hair and beard, “Hurrah! Hurrah! You are that monkey, the one who knows seventy-two transformations. What is it called? What...” I patted him in the head, “The Great Sage, Equal of Heaven—Sun Wukong. Don’t you ever forget it.”